In early 2017 my husband said “something is not right”. I knew. I knew I wasn’t myself. I was drowning and I couldn’t figure out how to surface again. I went to see my family doctor who I hadn’t seen in a year as she was on maternity leave herself. This was my first appointment with her since having my son the previous summer. I explained that something just didn’t feel right and she immediately gave me the postpartum questionnaire. I only had 50% yes answers so we were both unsure if this really was postpartum depression or anxiety. I wasn’t in acute crisis. I didn’t want to hurt my baby. Yes I was afraid to leave the house with him but it wasn’t dire. People I had known with postpartum wanted to hurt their babies or themselves. This couldn’t be that, right?
My family doctor referred me to BC Women’s Reproductive Mental Health. I waited. And waited. Most days I felt like I was outside my body but I waited. At that time, I had had very few health issues, and had never learned what it meant to become my own healthcare advocate. So I waited. 6 months later I knew I couldn’t wait any longer and found a counsellor to help bridge the gap.
In July I finally got the call that I had an appointment. A few weeks later, now 8 months after telling my family doctor something wasn’t right, I saw a psychiatrist at BC Women’s Reproductive Mental Health. I was immediately put on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. At that point my anxiety was at an all time high and I had debilitating anxiety about even taking the pills. “What would they be like? How would I feel”. I couldn’t sleep or eat, worried about what would happen to me by swallowing that little pill – and also what it meant. Eventually my counsellor convinced me to try, nothing could be worse than how I was feeling after all. Within a week I was a different person. I could FEEL for the first time in almost a year. I could laugh, tell jokes and be part of conversations. I was no longer numb.
In hindsight, I wish I had of pushed my family doctor for medication all those months previously, however, I truly thought “this can’t happen to me”. It didn’t feel like what I thought postpartum depression, at that time. Instead, I just kept waiting for it to go away.
I am now 2 years medication free. I recently had a second baby and have had no symptoms of PPD or PPA resurface. I am proud of the journey I have walked and grateful for it. Understanding this illness and its effects on my body and how to best manage it has made me a better mom and a better advocate for myself.